Been a while since I wrote an entry but I'm gonna write one now to get it off my chest. I'm refusing to tell my parents yet I'm gonna write it for the world to see =3= I'm such a stupid girl.
I'm the kind of girl who suffers in silence and prefers to deal with stuff on her own. I'm blaming High School for this because I learnt to ignore everything bad and I guess it put me back into my shell which I find hard coming out of - so if you see the real me you must be very special.
I'm studying German at college right now, and I was like yaaaaay I get to study my beloved German but now I'm just like .. no, I can't do this anymore. I wanted to go to Uni to study German so I could become fluent and go live there. Now, that dream is NEVER gonna happen.
In my practice test I got a U overall D': a U! And we need at least a D to pass the exam. That wasn't involving the speaking exam though which is in May
And ... I'm so shy/unsociable that I'm gonna fail that because I DON'T TALK TO PEOPLE! I always avoid situations where I have to socialize. We have to speak to the German lady like every week to practice and I hate it. I take soooo long to give her an answer. I doubt my german abilities and I don't like talking to new people/adults so I don't say much. The pauses are like several minutes long and it's meant to be like a conversation. If Jenna was my examinor I'd pass lol. I thought it would be the same setup as GCSE but it's not. A-Level German is SO much harder.
My teachers talked to me yesterday. Ilona gave me Naruto volume 2 in German which she bought in Germany for me and she gave me it and I was SUPER happy! But then my teachers were like we need to chat. They told me I'm basically gonna fail it. They don't see me passing at all. And there I was just crying. I didn't even speak to them. The thing that bothers me the most of out that chat though was me putting something stupid on a worksheet. We had to put 3 things we learnt on the back. I couldn't think of a 3rd thing and as we were eating cake I put 'How to enjoy cake' - HOW STUPID COULD I GET?!?!?! Why the hell did I do that. I thought they'd get the joke but no.
I don't feel welcome in that class anymore. They said I should re-take the AS year, because there is no way I'm going to pass onto A2. But then I wouldn't be with Josh or Illona. I'd have to go through the trauma of making new friends again. I don't want that. Jenna might re-do AS German too. But oh gosh it's all so horrible. It's all I can think about. I feel sick. I don't even want to eat food anymore! I just want to cry everytime it's mentioned. And it tutorial today I just now my form tutor is gonna have ANOTHER chat with me and then in Textiles again I'll just cry. Cry and cry and cry just like last week. And Lizzy if probs being inspected on that lesson but I'm still gonna just cry. I ... I'm a failure. I can't even tell my parents. It's hurting them. I just want them to be proud of me. I need to sort stuff out on my own before I tell them. I need to know what I'M going to do. There is no need to involve them.
I don't want to go to German on Monday. I don't want to be near my teachers. I don't want to face them. Gosh I'm all teary right now. It's like my heart is being broken. I feel as if I've let everyone down. I told my High School teacher I was gonna go to Uni to german but now ... that's not gonna happen. I just wanted to be fluent
I can't talk to anybody. I really do just keep everything to myself. I'm a stupid little girl who can't face her fears and when her grades are bad she refuses to tell anyone.
At least Art and Textiles are doing ok. But still ... German ...
I doubt anyone even read this but ..... hmmm